Waiting

So thankfully I was able to move my interview to Tuesday. I keep thinking about it so much and I’m so afraid that I’ll get it and will have to turn it down because of money and then be so devastated. I’m so afraid of that happening that it makes me temper my excitement for the interview and job itself. I need to get better at calming my anxious thoughts and feelings. Sometimes I hope writing them down will help, but this time they just keep resurfacing. It’s fine. My job is fine. I will get a better one that pays me tons of money so I can pay rent and live and save for a house and future.

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UGH

I am so annoyed. The second I feel fine about my job, I have to deal with some bs and hate everyone. Of course, the second I planned my interview, my boss wants to schedule a time with me to meet and has so many specific questions about my dentist appointment. And then the big boss does spot checks of work and always finds things he hates. He will find things he hates anywhere. Why do you think emailing your employees in all-caps is a good idea? How do you think that makes them better workers or employees? Why do you do it? I don’t respond well to that kind of approach. I would hate a personal trainer that yelled at me. I hate this. I emailed my interview to re-schedule and I’m afraid that makes me look flighty. WHAT CAN I DO? NOTHING. I don’t want to get fired from my current job in case the new one doesn’t pan out/no money involved. I am so frustrated.

Ever since my last job that basically game me work PTSD, I get so anxious. I get so stressed and wound up with these emails. Every time an email alert goes off, I get a heart palpitation. I don’t want to be doing this any more!!!

Full

It’s ironic that after saying last week that it’s so easy to bill and I have no problems with it, there is no way I will meet the requirements this week. I was out two days for a client meeting and then we have our holiday party tomorrow. There’s no way to hit the numbers with that much time out. I think it’ll be fine, but I just don’t want to get in trouble. I feel like I’m an average employee, which is fine most of the time, but I really don’t want to draw attention to myself in any negative way. If I’m not going to be seen as being amazing, I might as well not be seen for being bad. So, hopefully because of the party, they won’t care.

I keep thinking about my interview next week. It sounds amazing, like the prospect of any job does when  you only know a little bit about it. I looked up a few people on linkedin and I just want to be one of them. I really hope I get it. I also REALLY hope they increase the salary/are flexible. The amount they’d have to increase to get it from 85 to 120 is not chump change so I don’t know if they’ll do it. I just REALLY want them to. Ugh ugh ugh. Job change anxiety and uncertainty is terrible. I also really think it’s awful how you’re not supposed to talk about salaries. Why can’t we ask about it at the interview! I want to know, it’s a part of the job that I’m interested in, probably the 2nd most important thing after basic job functions. It should be a very open conversation, so that nobody’s time is wasted.  Either way, I hope I crush it.

My pants are so tight today. I know it’s fine for a thousand reasons, and I know I’ll lose the weight if I need to, but I guess because of the patriarchy, I hate it.

Salad

I’m eating a salad now in San Diego. I came down here for a work thing this morning. Everyone forgot about me and I was not included on ANY of the pre-trip emails so I had no idea who to meet where and barely knew when. I finally had to resort to emailing a group of people to find out any info. Super, super annoying.

Had dinner with Scott’s parents last night. It was nice and not as awk as I had feared. I ate sooo much food and it was too much. Thus, the salad today. It’s a cobb salad, so it’s not even healthy, but I wanted to at least have some lettuce.

I got, after years of applying to it, an email regarding an interview for a job. I’m SO excited, because it’s an interview. It’s a first step. Someone thinks I may be worthy of hiring!! It is SO exciting. The job pays so low and I don’t know if I could accept such a low salary, but it sounds like an amazing opportunity. I really hope I get it and I really hope they offer me a ton of money and I really hope it ends in happiness. I desperately want it. Super super super super desperate.

My back has been hurting lately and I’m not sure why. Maybe it’s because of the weight I’ve put on lately, which is not attractive, or my medicine or bad sleep or bad posture. I want to try to go to yoga more. I never go and have been so lazy lately. I can’t lose weight so I feel nervous about exercising every time. I really really really hope that my ultrasound this weekend goes well. I really want it to and for them to say I have eggs and they can drop and I can get pregnant. I hope it happens. EEEEK.

Restless

Lately, I’ve been feeling so restless. I am not that into my job, I feel like I’m stagnating. I went to law school to do good work, work with poor people and old people, and kids, and those that really needed help, and instead, I represent insurance companies. It just doesn’t sound good. If the work was super interesting, maybe I wouldn’t mind. Maybe I’d be more into it if I was engaged and challenged, instead of bored and then annoyed. I am so annoyed by my boss and his terrible lack of management. I hate how he gives feedback, I hate that he’s not good at it, and I think he shouldn’t ever have been made a manager. I don’t know if it’s unique to law, but just because someone has been doing a job for many years, and doing it well, does not mean they should manage others. It can’t be unique to law, right? Either way, it’s a terrible way to decide who the boss should be. Those are the minor, every day complaints. The bigger, more troubling complaints are that I don’t want to be doing this in 5 years, let alone 10. I’ve been there almost two years now and am ready to leave. What does it say about me that I’ve never been at any job for 2 years without looking for another one? Am I the archetype of the restless millennial, not loyal or a hard worker? Or is it that my jobs all happen to have flaws? Or is it that the law is terrible?

I used to think I was so smart. I used to think that I could get great jobs and do great things. Now, I read articles and blog posts and linkedin announcements and feel inferior. It’s one of the reasons I’ve substantially cut down on my facebook use, I can’t stand the feeling of thinking others are doing so much better than me, surpassing me. It makes me feel small and dumb, even though I know I’m not, deep deep deep deep down.

How do I solve this problem? Keep looking for new jobs? I am searching but don’t want to work at another firm. I want to work for an agency or government body or company. Despite well-meaning encouragement, I don’t have the skills to be in-house at most places. I just don’t. I also don’t feel prepared to take a giant pay cut to work at a Legal Aid. EVEN IF I DID, even they’re not calling me back for interviews. I used to have interviews with them when I had less experience! What is wrong!! Ugh.

Maybe if my work goes better today and this week, and this month, I will like it more? I will like the day-to-day more, but not the overall and that is what I need to change. I sometimes toy with leaving the law, but the insecurities rise up again. I’ve never done anything else. What else can I actually do? What are other jobs like? I should’ve gone into computer science. I’m hoping the restlessness that is giving me a pit in my stomach will go away.  I will now try to distract it by reading articles and blog posts and messing around on the internet instead of doing work I actually need to do.